A few more days and we’re on to the last month of 2019. To be honest, it is one of the hardest year I’ve had to go through. Motherhood is strange at its best. Every day, I look at my baby and wonder how he is here and how am I in charge of taking care of this cute little bean. It is so strange but I really don’t mean it in a bad way. I did and I still do and also thankful that I am able to be a mother. Everything, if you really think about it is strange. How am I a mother? How am I even here? I have mom guilt every day. I feel guilty for not playing with my baby enough, stimulating all of his senses , or feeding him enough or feeding him the right food. I feel guilty for even napping when he naps because I could be doing all the other things that needs to be done. Am I a good mom? Am I doing enough? It’s never enough, I feel. It’s hard to let go, because I feel like I should and could be doing more because I am a stay at home mom? Well like I said everything about motherhood is strange. Being a mom is strange. But that is not to say I don’t enjoy being a mother.
Now Ezra is ten months old. He is soon to be 11 months old. I miss him being a tiny baby. I am also looking forward. Just forward. Maybe because things were hard, and some days are still hard. And all I look forward to is just onwards, and forwards. I do try to pause and take it all in, take in the moments. I will miss this. I will miss him needing me, in his own way. I will miss him looking at me with those eyes, knowing that I am the person he can count on to be always be there. But I am looking forward to playing with him more. Playing catch, playing on the playground, go on outings that he can really participate in. So yes, onwards and forwards. That’s another mom guilt because I am not appreciating things as it is.
I am still trying my best to do more in terms of my small business but sometimes(most of the time)tiredness win. We did just recently move Ezra to his own room so we are not bound to the darkness. We had our work room back then but we always felt that we were not up to doing things there so we will retire early to our bedroom where Ezra also slept. But now that he is sleeping in his own room, we feel that we are slowly getting our groove back in doing things like we used to, so maybe I’ll have more motivation to do stuff. Like writing this blog post is a step forward, I think.
So till next time,
Munirah
